Is that what she really thinks
by cuttestnik
Summary: What deeks thought when kensi told him 'You're the one who never says what he means". Deeks POV. Tag 4x24.
1. Chapter 1

**AN**: A big thanks to Natalie (kensi54382) for beta reading this story. You are a life saver my dear.

**Disclaimer: **I would die just to say that I own NCIS: LA but I do not own NCIS: LA.

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I can't believe this. I really want to forget those words but they keep echoing in my ears.

**"You're the one who never says what he means".**

Is that what she really thinks, that I don't say what I mean? I mean come on I am a lawyer and I have my way with words but she can't accuse me for that, especially she among all people can't say that. I am the one who never shuts up and says what I want. She is one who keeps everything to herself but I can't blame her for that, she is just protecting herself from being hurt. So she can't tell me that I don't say what I mean. Those words from her were enough to hurt but it looks like she doesn't care and then she bluntly says to me **"Then say something you actually mean".**

Those words of hers wounded me. It feels like she just stabbed me with a very sharp knife in my heart and is now twisting the knife. I want to think that she just said all this because she was angry but still whatever I say to myself, I can't forget those words. Hell it feels like she is just saying this all over again and again. It's hurting really badly; it's actually tearing me apart. I never thought someone's words would have that effect on me but then again she is Kensi. I also never thought she would be one to say something like this. I have opened up to her and told her soo many things which I never thought I would do with anyone. We talk all the time and even though she said something like this, I really don't know if I'm more shocked or more wounded because of those words. All these years I have taken everything very slowly and made sure I tell her what I felt about her. One of the many reasons of doing so was because I didn't want to hurt her or rush her into things. So the only reasons I don't say exactly what I mean is because of her; for her own good, but that doesn't mean I didn't say anything that I meant till today.

I know I joke a lot, but all these years, whatever I had said to her, I meant it, every word of it.

In the beginning of our partnership, I told her that **"she is beautiful".** I meant it, with all honesty I did mean it. She is beautiful and for me she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. Before meeting Kensi, for me, the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth was my mom. Yeah, I know I don't talk about her a lot, ok fine I don't talk about her at all, but after all she is my mom. But that doesn't mean I will talk about her. She is a beautiful woman, well I think now you know from where I got all this charm from.

Coming back to Kensi, she is really a beautiful person and I'm not talking about just looks, well she has got killer looks, with those mismatched eyes, pink cheeks and adorable smile, she is the most beautiful woman in the world. But she is genuinely a beautiful person from heart also. She'll never hurt anyone intentionally, even thought she is capable of killing people without them knowing what is happening to them. But she never does that unless it is for self defense. Instead she saves people every day and is still a grounded woman. Kensi is not just a beautiful woman by her looks. She is beautiful from inside also.

When I told her that **"don't worry Fern, I'll be back"...**I meant it. I said it because I didn't want her to worry about me. You should have seen her face when I told her that I was going to go undercover, she gave me such a sad face that my heart melted. At that time, I didn't know the reason behind it. But now I know. She was afraid to lose me, afraid to lose another partner and co-worker. I knew there was a huge risk but I had her trust on me that I'd come back and I wanted her to have the same trust in me. I wanted her to know that I am not going to leave her, not without giving a chance to our partnership. I truly believe that Kensi and I can be great partners and I am not leaving her. I'll be back on the team; I'll be back to her.

But how can she say that I never say what I mean? I mean when I told her **"You should always know your partner for at least ten years prior to marrying them. Date me for a decade; you deserve my hand in marriage."** I genuinely meant it; I wasn't flirting with her when I said those words. . I mean if Kensi will date me for ten years, why wouldn't I propose her. Actually what I meant was I wanted to be with Kensi for ten years and then we will get married, so that counts for always being there with her. I mean if Kensi can stay with me for ten years as a partner why can't she marry me? But, as usual, she got me wrong again. She thought I was flirting with her but I wasn't. I swear. And if it is in my hands, I'll marry her before that. The point here was I want to be with her. I want to be her partner, her friend and her so much more. I want to call her mine. But again she got me wrong.

When I said **"Hell hath no fury like Kensi Marie Blye"**, I meant it. I mean have you seen that girl? I think she is the most dangerous woman I have ever met. I mean why would someone practice shooting in the groin? It's dangerous, no scratch that, it's scary. Have you seen the way she shoots? She has got the best aim, and now I know where she got this from. She can be very intimidating when required. She can kick your ass, beat a man twice her size, can make you crawl on the floor begging for mercy, can beat you in a blink of her eyes and, in short, she is a wonderful woman. Have you seen her when she gets angry? The problem is she gets angry very easily. One thing you never know with her is what will make her happy or angry. You never know when she snaps at you out of the blue. She is not known for her patience. And when she gets angry, trust me, you don't want to be anywhere near her. That's the reason I said it. Once Kensi gets angry then it's finished, its one hell of a job to calm her back. She doesn't listen to anyone and does what she wants. If she is angry then the only person who can save you from her is Kensi herself, or maybe some candies or sweets. But there is no guarantee of it.

When I told her that "**You are the most serious person I've ever met in my entire life"**, I meant it. I mean that she is a very serious human being. She takes everything very seriously whether it's work or a comment or anything. She always has to be correct, always has to be before time, always has to follow rules and always has to be the first one. You should see the way she works; she is so concentrated in her work that she forgets everything. She makes sure she is taking each and every detail very properly which is necessary for our work but her seriousness tends to take things to another level. She works as if everything bad that is happening is her fault and it's her responsibility to make things right. Sometimes she just forgets that we're with her and she is not alone. This is not good. I mean she is so serious at work that very rarely you will find her laughing or cracking jokes. Actually she isn't the person who laughs; she is the one who will stay quiet and do her own work. To be honest her sense of humor sucks and she doesn't even try to do anything about it. Maybe because she is a **"very… tightly wound person".** That's the harsh reality of her life. It's not her fault actually; people have hurt her so much that anyone in her place would do the same things she has done. I mean she lost her father when she was fifteen and she ran away from her mother before that and then she lost Jack and Dom and so many people. If you ask me, I hate Jack and I will kill him in the blink of an eye for hurting Kensi the way he did. He knew Kensi hadn't properly dealt with her father's loss and yet he left her all alone, to deal with everything as if it was Kensi's fault. Now, as a result of all this, she is afraid of getting hurt, so much that she doesn't even allow people to come near her. She has very tightly guarded her heart by building big walls around her heart, protecting herself from pain, hurt, sadness and loneliness that this entire world has given to her, willingly or not. That's the reason I say she is very tightly wound.

To be continue...

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**AN**: **I hope you like it **

**Reviews are always welcome...**

**MUCH LOVE**

**NIKITA...**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN**: A big thanks to Natalie (kensi54382) for beta reading this story. I don't know what I'll do without her.

**Disclaimer: **I would die just to say that I own NCIS: LA but I do not own NCIS: LA.

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Because of this I once told her, **"in the future, I will try to take things more seriously." **it was because of our work and I really needed to take things more seriously but it was more because of her. It is said that the company of good people make u good but that's not true. Actually you change yourself because u want that people to stay in your life and to appreciate the good qualities in you. That's what kensi has done to me, she has made me change for better good and on that day I promise her that I will take things more seriously and I think I have done than, hell I am doing it right now, taking every seriously.

If you know kensi she doesn't take compliment nicely. If say cute to a normal girl she will smile, blush and then politely thank you, and if u say that you are cute to kensi, she will make sure that those are your last words. If you compliment her, she thinks that you are trying to hit on her and then she'll make your life living hell and if you don't compliment her at all then she thinks that you don't like her work at all and you are a male chauvinist pig and then she hates you. See that, that's the reason I call her **"wonder woman".** She is amazing and there is nothing that she can't do well except for cooking. But still she can eat soo much; I mean she eats more than me sam and g combine and still manage to look so slim and stunning. She has got the best aim. She can hot wire a car, a plan, speaks god knows how many languages, can run after a suspect wearing a high heel and can kill me, sam and g all by herself and won't even leave single evidence. Told you she is a wonder woman.

When I told her **"I'm going to be with you every step of the way. Even if you don't see me, I'll be there." **I mean it, in every sense of way I meant it, each and every word of it. I know that I told all this words as a professional, but we both know they were so much personal. I mean how I can leave her. A person has to dumb or blind or mad to do that. I will never leave her, never ever. Why would I do such thing? By telling her this I wanted to reassure her that she is not alone now, she has me. I have always got her back; I'll always make sure that she is safe. But the glamorous job we do, there is no guarantee of anything. I never know when what will happen to me. Every day I get out of my house, I don't know whether ill come home or not or in what shape. By saying even if you don't see me, I'll be there. I meant that even if I am out of her sight, that doesn't means that she is alone, she always has me, also in some weird way I admitted to her that I am going to be with her for my entire life. No matter what happen I'll be there for her whether she wants me or not. When I told her that I meant in all ways, personally and professional. No matter what happen I am going to be there with her. Period.

She didn't allow me to complete the sentence I'd wanted to tell her for soo long. When I told her **"You had me at hel", **which she didn't allow me to complete, I was quoting a dialogue from the movie we both had watched together soo many times. I really meant it. From the day once, she has wrapped me around her finger and there is something between us since day one. Since the first day she had made me do whatever she wanted me to do. But there is something between us on which we were not able to put our finger for soo long but one thing is sure, she really had me at hello.

How can I forget the day when I told her that u look **"cute when you're homicidally angry." **For me it's a miracle that I am still alive after I told kensi that she is cute. But that's truth. She looks extremely adorable when she is angry. She looks stunning. Her face turns red in color, her cheeks swell because of being angry and the firm and angry look on her face is adorable. The death glare she gives you, the one which says i-an-soo-going-to-kill-you is amazing. Well you should be scared of that look because is scary but for me it's adorable. Well kensi looks stunning every time but when she is angry she looks extremely adorable and cute. That's one of the reasons why I love to make kensi angry, annoyed and pissed at me, just to see that adorable look on her face.

Saying something to kensi is a big deal, you never know how she will react to anything. Reassuring her is completely a different story. The day when she was accused of killing her father's colleagues, was one hell of a day for both of us but especially for her. I wanted to say something profound, something that will make her believe that everything will be alright but I also wanted her to feel safe. I wanted her to know that she is not alone in all this, we all are there for her, I am there for her and we all believe in her and we know that she is innocent. But I tell her all this because first it will get all sappy and sentimental and we don't have that much time because Granger will soon find out about the car. So I thought I have to say something short which will convey everything and thus I told her,** "****Everything, is gonna be, fine." **By fine I don't mean Kensi's fine I mean normal fine. I meant it truly because kensi was innocent and I knew that. Also I thought it would convey everything and will make her smile which happened and thus the purpose was served and I told her what I meant. I knew the day wasn't going to be easy but seeing your partner getting shot in front of you is one of the worst things in life. Well for me it was just the beginning, after that my partner got up and flew away to find her father's killer. After my boss tells me to bring her back and they think I am going to do that. Nah not happening. But the problem was that kensi thought that I was on granger's side. I mean is she stupid or something. How can she think about it? I once told her that I am always with her and I meant it. And I needed her to realize that I am with her, no matter what happen or what other people say. I don't give a damn shit about other. The only person I care about is my partner, my kensi. No matter what happens, the only thing that I am mostly sure about is that I am always going to be with her. So just in order to make her sure what she already knows, I told her, **"I'm not talking about what they want, all right? Forget what they want. ****I'm talking about us. I'm your partner, what makes you think that I'm gonna let you do this by yourself." **I meant it, every word of it. I was scared because of what happened earlier. Ok not scared, but terrified. For a moment I actually thought that I lost her. God even that thought runs a chile down my spine. So all I just wanted to be with her. To have her back and make sure that she is alive and won't leave me. I know saying that words weren't easy for me but at that moment they were needed by both of us. And we both know how much that meant to us. well at least to me.

One day kensi decided that we should do partner's quiz which was actually a bridal magazine quiz. See that's what I call ticking of **"Kensi's biological clock." **You see we flirt a lot and make jokes about each other but sometimes in all this fun we say things we never would when we are serious, but deep down I think we both know which words we meant and which we didn't. When I told her that **"We can make some ninja assassins**" she thought I was joking but I wasn't. How could I? After all I will do anything if kensi and I will be making ninja assassins. Imagine a small girl having my eyes and Kensi's brown curl and a small boy just like me running around our house and playing with Monty, god that would be amazing. But kensi thought I was kidding, I mean how I could make fun of our little ninja assassins, after all they would be the best thing happened to me.

I was very small when we I started learning surfing and once I knew how to surf I used to surf every morning. Watching the sun rise every morning while surfing was the most beautiful view of my life. It always gave me hope that today will be better than yesterday and everything will be ok. Surfing and watching sun rise always soothed me, made me calm and made me grounded. But then when I shot my dad, everything changed, I went to foster care and my world got shattered. I wanted to help people like me so I decided to become lawyer but soon I realize, it wasn't enough, so I became cop. I started using a gun. A thing that once saved my life and which was now my friend in saving other people's life. From that day, sunshine and gunpowder were my two most favourite things.

But then I meet kensi and then she became my most favourite person/friend/partner/soo much more. Kensi was the new sunshine of my life. Every day I wake up just to meet her, just to be with her and her presence in my life means everything to me. She isn't just as beautiful and mesmerizing as sunshine but she is also as deadly as gunpowder. Sometimes more deadly but definitely like gun powder. The thing take has a power to do both save your life and end it. Yup definitely kensi is the perfect combination of sunshine and gunpowder. Beautiful, deadly, mesmerizing, addicted, amazing, heart taking. Perfect way to describe kensi. This was reason I told kensi that **"****You smell like sunshine and gunpowder. Two of my favorite things." **when she asked me how she smelled.

**But today looks like everything I said to her, every secret I shared to her, means nothing to her. Looks like I have failed in expressing my emotions to her. Explaining her how much she means to me. Making her believe that I won't leave her alone and I am going to be there for her. It is said that words speak volumes. It is always important how you speak and what you speak. I have been very careful with words around kensi but I have said what I meant. Every word I said I meant it but looks like everything is in vain now because to her I never say what I mean. Everything I said was just a joke to her.**

**Is that what she really means because then I really want to know what she thought I meant when I said those words.**

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**AN**: **a big thanks to all who reviewed, followed and favorited this story. thank you soo much.**

**I hope you guys like it. I am thinking about posting kensi's pov when she told him all this, but then it depends. suggestions are welcome. **

**Reviews are always welcome... please tell me did you like it or not.  
**

**MUCH LOVE**

**NIKITA...**


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